My Problems With Hippie Deodorants
I don’t want to spray or rub aluminum under my arms. For that reason, I reject Right Guard and its poisonous allies. I blame most cancers on the hygiene aisle in the grocery: Crest, Old Spice, Right Guard, Colgate, etc. Who knows what chemicals they put in these things to keep our breath and pits fresh. I distrust all of them. But. . . I’m not into stinking either. Thus, despite my distrust of all things hippie, I’m forced to use hippie deodorants because the hippies - damn them all to hell - also distrust chemical enhancing smells (except, of course, for patchouli and pot).
These roll-ons and sprays promise natural ingredients, non-toxic ways to keep your underarms smelling fresh (lavender, pine, sea salt). Great, right? Wrong. They don’t work. Ask my wife. She sleeps next to me. “What did you expect?” she mocks. “How can sea salt keep you from smelling bad?” How indeed.
In this image, you have three culprits. Herbal Clear, Tom’s, and Burt’s Bees. I’ve also used Jason and who knows what else. My collection of hippie deodorants will one day rival my basement of beer. I keep buying them, hoping that one will solve the summer dilemma of B.O. See, I sweat. I sweat a lot. I walk from my office to the library, and I get sweaty. If I tried to ride my bike to school, I’d be so drenched my entire body (and inside various private garments) would be soaked to the bone. This is why I loved Michigan. In five years, I barely cracked a bead of perspiration. Now we are in Missouri where July and August present days of 90 plus degree heat. I might as well be back in Gainesville, home of the sweaty me.
And my deodorants, despite their hippie promises, are doing me no good. I keep my underarms down as much as possible. I shower twice a day. I feel embarrassed. There is no greater shame than B.O. I’m educated! I have a PhD. I hold a very respectful job with a fancy office. I should not stink!
And, at times, I do. In the end, I am forced to look to the hippies, and, once again, they fail me with their false promises. I will get my revenge! You make me buy seven dollar deodorants that are no better than going without! You will pay dearly, hippies! Dearly, I say!
Have you seen the South Park where Cartman plays an a hippie exterminator, keeping them contained in a basement where they can play their self-righteous folk songs without hurting anyone? The town makes the mistake of hosting a jam band concert, and mass hippie madness ensues.
Sheer brilliance.
Comment by Brian — July 29, 2008 @ 8:43 pm
Tomorrow morning there will be a subtle hesistation before I apply the Lady Speed Stick.
I can only imagine what kind of cancer-dance my cells will be doing in the years to come, what with all the smelly perfumes and lotions I practically bathe in. Ugh.
By the way - hope you’re doing well! Detroit misses you.
Comment by Amy Metcalf — July 29, 2008 @ 9:32 pm
I recommend either Mennen Speed Stick or Old Spice–the deodorant, not the antiperspirant. Hippies might not approve, but there’s no alum or any other pore-blocking chemical–just a powerful scent that tends to cover body odors.
Comment by George — July 30, 2008 @ 8:52 am
You beat me to it! I had been plotting an anti-hippie rant for weeks, but you got there first.
I am fully prepared to develop cancer of the armpit in an effort not to smell like a stinking hippie.
I hear the hippies like patchouli. That shit covers up anything. Have you tried that?
Comment by comoprozac — July 30, 2008 @ 9:36 am
Vicks Vap-O Rub will do the trick. Apply it generously or go without and instead offer a dab to all who venture near.
This would, of course, include all of the added decongestive benefits during cold and flu season.
Comment by Derek — July 30, 2008 @ 10:08 am
I use Secret Clinical Strength, but organic hippie everything else (shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, etc.). I make my deodorant my one daily exposure to harmful chemicals.
Comment by Clancy — July 30, 2008 @ 10:18 am
Dude, try Herban Cowboy: http://www.ethicalplanet.com/hecode.html. Good news is that it doesn’t contain aluminum. Bad news is that it contains propylene glycol which is a cancer suspect.
There’s also patchouli oil, but, as I said to my wife who was soaking in patchouli-scented bath soap, “I smell hippie.”
Comment by dave's not here — July 31, 2008 @ 11:41 am
Stay away from the Jason brand. It also carries carcinogens. I’m becoming fussier about the “green” labeled goods anyhow–less trusting of the industry, more into researching what is actually in the stuff we slather on our bodies. And what a great time-eater that is!
Comment by joanna — August 2, 2008 @ 9:38 am
i used to be a hippie
i used a deodorant that was more like a big, craggy crystal. it came in a purple translucent container. it worked for me, and i lived in Florida.
Comment by bonnie — August 2, 2008 @ 11:19 am
so, since you’re still a hippie, i guess the botox is right out?
Comment by bonnie — August 2, 2008 @ 11:20 am