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08/14/2004 Archived Entry: "How To"
Instructions I Never Gave:
Choke! Choke!
Now, make counterclockwise circles with your foot
An ounce of dry matter, two grams of fat....
Go left when you hit the possum
Plug it in the other way
Call that guy Mr. Dutchwater
Make mine with gopher
Don't ever spit there again
Go into that Ben and Jerry's and ask them for Murky Lurk: real vanilla ice cream made with sewage water (ok. I lied. I did give this instruction in Bolder, Colorado once).
Make mine green
Put the wrong name at the top of your paper
Burn the picture and then dance clockwise shaking your fists at the ground while chanting "mumba mumba moo"
Hold this while I flush
